I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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