There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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