why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
