i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
