No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
