im having a threesome with these popsicles
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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