I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Non-Jews are for practice
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
