Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
