I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
