You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
