im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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