he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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