CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
