A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
