I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
