even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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