I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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