I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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