I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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