so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
