why didn't you poke me back
After last night, I could never be a politician.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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