I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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