Who did Billy Mays play for?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
