My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
