She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
