3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
