What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
