I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
