this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
