Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
