Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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