Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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