the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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