in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
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He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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