i permit you to call me
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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