I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
