Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
