Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
