i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
