He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
