I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
