News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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