chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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