Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
