I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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