Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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