I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
