You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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