I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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