Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I cockslap morals
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
