did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wanna passion pit in your ass
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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