She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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