Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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