so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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