so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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