Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
